Where to even start......
Ok, first I will say that you are a saint. Truly. I have done the most hideous things to you and you always stay the course. I don't know if this makes you sane or not......but I appreciate the fact that I can't scare you away. Let's face it, who else is going to let me get in their car and loudly proclaim "first stop...getting your eyebrows waxed because you look like a Sasquatch"?
Remember when I slipped on one tiny little wet leaf on my back porch and fell down the steps, hitting my head so hard against the railing that I cracked it? I crawled back in the house and called you to tell you I had a massive intracranial bleed (or something equally as dramatic) and you left work and got to my house in record time. You probably thought I had forgotten that incident due to the concussion....and the intracranial bleed.....but I remember. And I remember all the times I have been on my death bed (drama, yes) and you have stayed with me and for whatever reason put up with my whining and tossing used Kleenex everywhere....which you always pick up, also making you a saint. Little things? Maybe. But they mean the world to me. You always bail me out.....from putting air in my tires to just telling me to shut up sometimes.
I have tried to decide how I want to write this.....and I just don't know. There are so many things I could tell....and so many things I shouldn't tell (lucky for you, I have no shame). Soooo.....I am going to do what I do best and start numbering things that I hope you never forget...even though dementia seems to be plaguing you at a young age, bless your heart.
1. The One-Legged Man: Now, to be fair....I wasn't aware that he only had ONE leg. Hey, I thought it was a break. The crutches threw me off. A handicap...no big deal. Of course, there is the fact that he was a man. And that he ended up having 7 kids by 5 different women in 4 states. And that he worked at Wal-Mart. Ok....I don't come out looking good in this story AT ALL. I screwed you. I admit it. It was one of my overly eager, entirely too happy, giddy, girly-girl moments. And you paid the price for a couple of months trying to get rid of him. What can I say.....I'm sorry. HOWEVER, it still makes me laugh to this day. And, really, what is more important than my entertainment? ;)
2. Three Blow-Outs in One Week: The week you had your first stroke. I am only going to claim responsibility for one of those incidents. You know I had a very noble plan of saving a Yorkie from a puppy mill. The first blow-out on the way there? Well, you were driving....maybe you hit some foreign object in the road. I realize that my standing on the side of the road crying like a girl because I was "about to be murdered by a serial killer" was probably a tad over-dramatic. And possibly even annoying. And yes, I knew you were struggling trying to get my tire changed. But some nice guy did eventually stop and help you (while I filed my fingernails and had an asthma/panic attack). BUT you letting me convince you that it was perfectly acceptable to drive to someplace we had never heard of in Tennessee on a donut has to be your biggest lapse in judgement EVER. What were you thinking? Since when do you listen to me? Thank God that I had saved the Yorkie from the puppy mill and we were halfway home when the donut blew out. On a dark deserted road. In the middle of the night. Where you had to end up peeing in a corn field. While I held a shaking Yorkie in my lap. I remember you being really, really mad at me. I remember Charlie being really, really mad at me. And no one slept that night. And I believe your exact words to me were "when we get out of this situation, don't speak to me again for at least a week". But on a positive note, I saved a Yorkie and it now has an amazing home. The blow-out in your car 5 days later when you were driving me to Nashville? Well, that was just bad luck. Plain and simple.
3. I Embarrass You: I believe the exact quote is "it's not so much that I hate you, it's just that whenever I'm out in public with you, you always make other people wonder what the %#*^ your doing". I can't help it, Brandie. I seriously can't. I've tried. You are an easy target for me. I know sometimes I bust out in song...sometimes dancing overtakes me...sometimes I trip and fall...sometimes I say things a little too loud...and that one time walking in downtown Nashville I had a major wardrobe malfunction that caused my entire breast to escape the confines of my clothing, nipple and all. But you handle it all like a trooper. Oh sure, you always say, "I hate you". But I know you don't. :)
4. The "Incident" in Sams: I have enough respect for myself not to announce to the world what I did to you that day years ago in Sams, but suffice it to say that it is still one of my proudest moments....and one of the most horrifying for you.
5. Your Hospital Buddy: Yep, there have been a lot of ER visits and a lot of hospital stays. I'm always right there ready to fight like a Rottweiler with any doctor and/or nurse that doesn't do things the way I want. So I have to apologize for falling asleep on you that dreadful night in PCU 18 months ago. I know I snored really, really loud that night. For the entire hospital to hear. I do remember them drawing your blood like savages....and I couldn't stop them....because I was snoring. Again, not one of my finer moments. However, when the tornado warning came a couple of hours later, I did make sure you were safely in the hall. Does that earn me any points?
6. The Crime: Ahhh....the crime. A therapeutic crime....but a crime nonetheless. Where was I? Right beside you, of course. Friends don't let friends commit crimes alone And despite the circumstances, I still count that night as one of my top memories. Err....mainly when you fell (of course, that would be my favorite part...what is wrong with me? I'm so demented!).
7. I'm A Mooch: You know this. I eat just as much if not more off of your plate than I ever do my own. I don't know why I do it. Because I can, I guess. No one else has ever let me get away with it. I like eating off of other peoples plate. And you humor me. I love you for that. I'm sure that sounds like a small, trivial thing to most people. But you already know that it is a big deal to me.
8. That time in the movies.....: This could technically fall under me embarrassing you. BUT I think it more likely falls under the category of "I piss you off". I don't even remember the name of the movie....wasn't it "Devil" or something like that? All I know for sure is that it was a freaky M. Night Shyamalan movie......and I spent the entire movie laying on the floor on my stomach in front of you. In my mind, I had good reason. Actually, I had good reason...period. It's unfortunate that you didn't see it that way. It is also unfortunate that to about 15 random strangers we are known as "that lesbian couple in the movies" because of my antics. And yes, I did smell like a 50 year old dirty penny when we left the theatre. Who knew movie theatre floors were so nasty? And, yes, I am fully aware that I still have not been forgiven for that offense.
I know we have not one single thing in common. But for whatever reason, this relationship just works. I'm an over-emotional drama queen. I love that you "get" me even though you don't understand me. I love that you know when I'm blowing smoke and can also tell when I seriously need some help. Not many people can tell the difference in my world of theatrics. But you see through all my garbage. And it's funny to me that everyone I know would call you to check on me before they would call my husband. I know last year we celebrated your birthday in Nola....complete with lap dances (that I may or may not have performed), beads, and balloon animal hats....but I hope this birthday is just as good. Happy Birthday, BB! I love you to the moon and back!!!
Let me leave you with this demotivational poster that pretty much sums up our relationship......me being the "chirper", of course!
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