What happened in the middle of the night last night assured me that I will not win the battle of the aging process. As usual, I will be sharing too much information. You are used to that, right? Just a short story....that I should keep to myself....but I both amused and horrified myself so much that I feel compelled to share. And because I feel sure I am not the only female who has had a similar and equally horrifying experience.
I awoke about 1:30 this morning with my mouth, tongue and throat as dry as the desert. It hurt to swallow. I took a drink of water but that didn't cut it. So I staggered out of my bed and headed for the kitchen. When I saw a bottle of Gatorade about one-third full in the refrigerator door, I got excited. When I realized it was somewhat frozen and very slushy, I was ecstatic. Just what my dry throat needed. I started sipping it and crunching the ice (everyone knows I have a strange addiction to ice). I figured I might as well pee while I was up.....so I wandered into the bathroom, still savoring my icee Gatorade. When I was finished, I headed back to my room. I sat on the edge of my bed and kept drinking and munching ice.......and then IT happened. I got choked on the very, very fine slivers of ice in my Gatorade and began a coughing fit like no other. And if you think since I had just peed my bladder would be empty, then you'd be wrong. Because in my fit of choking/coughing, I somehow managed to pee on myself. And my bed. Yes, that's right. I got choked and peed all over myself. I threw a tantrum when I had to change my sheets and my pj's in the middle of the night in my sleepy state. But come one, who do you blame for an episode like that? I had no one to take it out on. This is one of your evil deeds, Mother Nature.
When I was lying in bed trying to fall back asleep, all I could think was "what the heck....I haven't even had kids?!" And it was in that moment that I realized that no amount of Botox or any other agent was going to keep certain things from occurring. I assumed since I had never had a child that I would never have to worry much with sagging breasts or pissing on myself when I sneezed or having my uterus completely prolapse. I was wrong. Painfully wrong. At least my breasts aren't sagging to my knees. And my uterus is not residing inside of my vagina. Yet. When I was on the elliptical this morning, I kept wondering how much longer I have before all movement causes me to pee on myself. How much longer before I step on a breast while exercising and pinch a nipple off? Thank God above for surgical lifts and tucks. Go ahead and sign me up!
On my way to work this morning, a brick came flying out of the back of a dump truck and shattered my front windshield. I noticed my reflexes aren't what they used to be when I ducked (as if that would do any good) about five seconds too late. So much for the cat-like reflexes of my youth. But on a happy note, I got an email this afternoon saying there was a sale on Botox. My appointment is at 4:00 next Monday. Because I love Botox. And a girl can never refuse a sale.
Welcome to age 35, Amy Carpenter.....This is your life!
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