A Survivor Finding Her Way

I have been asked to blog here several times and I can never really come up with one main subject to discuss so I am going to discuss a little of everything.  My opinion may not be shared by others and this is why I prefer to remain anonymous.

First topic of the day -  Todd Akin needs to be thrown in Rikers Island prison with a lifer inmate in a 5X5 cell to see what "legitimate rape" is.  I am appalled that this is even an issue with our government.  I am also appalled that this man said that a womans body can detect when it is being attacked and can shut things down that can cause pregnancy.  I am paraphrasing that, but that is the gist of the situation.  Although I personally could not have an abortion now, I have no right to tell Cindy Lou she can't and neither do you.  Especially being men, what right do you have to tell a woman what her body does and does not do and what she can do with it?  I believe in free will just like everyone in religion likes to preach.  They preach God gave us free will to make our own decisions.  He did not say rich men give the people free will of a few decisions and take the rest away.  Let the person make their own decisions and deal with their own consequences for the decision.  I say that he should be with a lifer in prison out of anger; however, I don't truly believe that.  I would not wish what my life was on anyone. 

That being said, if a 9-year-old girl walked into a clinic and her parents wanted her to have an abortion because her pregnancy was the result of being raped by an adult man, would you really turn her away and say it is illegal and against God?  Being a survivor myself, this angers me to the billionth degree.  I was that kid.  I could have easily been that pregnant child.  A baby having a baby.  I also don't believe in the "everything happens for a reason" crap.  I believe things happen sometimes to teach us lessons, but what lesson is learned by a child who has been raped and told she has to endure 9 months of pregnancy and excruciating pain at the end that most likely her small body is not ready for?  That man had free will and chose to rape her and I believe she should have the free will to decide not to bring into this world and live with a part of him. 

Legitimate rape?  What does that even mean?  Does this mean that it is only rape if there is vaginal trauma?  Maybe this is too graphic for some, if so I apologize ahead of time.  Yes, on a 9-year-old there is trauma, but on an adult woman that is not always the case.  Also, if we wanna go that route, men get raped everyday as well.  Because their body reacts differently to it does that declassify it as rape?  I bet if a man were answering that he would say no.  People have such a hard time coming forward with their stories as it is and now idiots like Akin are only going to set that further back for people.  Women will resort to back alley docs who will kill them either with the procedure or the infections that follow the procedure.  The shame they already live with because they fear people will not believe them will only intensify.  And guess what?......suicide rates, unemployment rates, disability rates will go further up.  These are people who need help.....not one more person who is taking away their rights to their own body.  Their body was taken from them by the rape and it is a long hard road to get it and themselves back.

I know this because I am a survivor.  I spent so many years locked inside myself.  Full of shame and hatred for myself because of what this grown ass man did to me.  I can't even imagine if I had gotten pregnant at 9.  It has taken me years to get to the point I can type the word "rape" and I still have a difficult time saying it out loud.  People who have not been through it have no idea what it is to feel like your body is not your own.  That it is just something detached from you.  I spent years not looking in mirrors.  Avoiding myself.  Thinking I had brought it on myself somehow.  I was 9.  How can any 9-year-old arouse a grown man?  Answer.....She can't.  I had to learn it was a power trip for him and that it really had nothing to do to me.  He put shame and terror in me.  It locked me up in an emotional prison. 

I recently have been finding bread crumbs to the keys that are unlocking doors for me.  I have found that this man has no power over me anymore.  I am a good person...unlike what he told me.  He did not "teach me what a woman" does.  He taught me how much he hated women.  I am winning this battle and war.  I stood in front of over 600 people a week ago and spoke my story aloud for the first time ever.  For the first time ever when I walked off that stage I did not feel that rolling chaos in my chest that talking about my abuse always brought up.  This was proof that what I am doing and where I am heading is the right direction.  I went home that night and slept like a baby.  I have had night terrors every night for most of my life.  The last few week have been more sporadic.  Leading up to the speech they got worse just because I was stressed out.  The night I said out loud that this man had raped me was the night I almost feel like the heaviness of his spirit was lifted off of me(he is dead).  I have felt haunted by him for the 17 years since his death.  I was always waiting for him to fly through and hit me or hurt me when I spoke of the stuff he did to me because that is what he did the first time I cried out when he was hurting me.  And that was the beginning of my silence.  Silence is sickness.  The feeling I had when I walked off that stage was amazing.  I had my friends there, including my best friend who has seen me through all of this.  They know where I started and cannot believe where I am.  I am a success at school now and working full time.  My life is opening so many doors for me and I am realizing I took over where he left off as far as controlling me and now it is time I step out of my own way.  I always felt like I was in darkness and now I am seeing so much light.  So much happiness is in my future.  I never thought I would have any of that. 

I guess the point of this blog was not only to show you that a survivor can thrive and can heal, but also to tell you not to listen to the talking asshole men in government and for Pete's sake quit electing them.  Also, it is to let you know that if any of you are struggling with this stuff, let Amy know and she can get you in contact with me and I can point you in the right direction.  However, the choice has to be yours.  The work is horrendous and painful.  However, I would not trade one painful moment I have had over the last few years for the joy I have now.  It is amazing.  I am learning something new about myself everyday.  I have learned that I am a good person with a good heart.  I have learned that I do have potential and that I can be a friend that gives of herself.  That I have something worth giving in a relationship.  I hope that eventually all of these lessons will lead me to the relationship that completes me and wants to be along for my journey.

On another note, I have to rant on this whole gay marriage thing.  I mean....who cares and why debate it over a freaking chicken sandwich?  Not gonna make me popular with my "family"....but both sides of that debate were just stupid.  The one thing about gay people that makes straight people uncomfortable and unaccepting is sex.  So what does our team decide to do?  Yeah, lets go make out in front of a restaurant that we have known for years was christian-based.  I realize they provide money to what people call hate groups and I dont have all of my info on that so I won't go further with my point there.  However, I do agree with my best friend that if we boycotted everything for people being treated badly....we would have a big fat NOTHING.  No car, no sweat shop clothes, no sweat shop shoes that were made by 5-year-olds for pennies a day.  Who gives a flip.  If you don't like gay marriage, don't associate with it, but don't take the rights of Americans who are paying taxes just like you are.  I don't agree with infidelity and divorce, but it is not illegal for you to remarry even though it says in your bible that it is wrong.  I agree with the saying "if you spend time judging other people you have no time to be loving you".  I don't think the God I continue to hear about would condone that.

Now on to a lighter subject....as I said I am a survivor of sexual abuse.  This is a heavy and depressing subject, but I am on here to say that you can change if you choose to change.  You can go from victim to victor.  I have done just that.  No I am not perfect, but who is.  I also believe I have something to offer others who are going through the same thing.  I figure that will be part of my future as well.

In closing, if you disagree feel free to say so.  But rather than do that I wish you would just sit and really thing about what I have said.  It is not Republican or Democrat.  It is humanity and that is something the American politicians have forgotten about.  Let people be people.  If they are not hurting others, living a normal life and, of course, paying taxes (because lets face it, that is what makes the politicians happy)....let them do whatever the hell they want to do with their life.

Sincerely,

Me