I often feel like I'm living in a third world country......only with all stupid people. And don't tell him I said so, but my husband is one of the stupid people. Ok...in his defense, he is a very smart man. But he's just sooooo stupid sometimes. I take issue with the fact that he pays the crackhead, T, to mow the yard. Well, now T has contracted out some of the work to a fellow alcoholic neighbor. But this is the part that simultaneously amuses me and pisses me off.........Charlie is paying the crackhead a grand total of $30 to mow our nearly 3 acre yard.....and the crackhead has subsequently subcontracted some of the work to the "disabled" alcoholic neighbor for $10. Yes, you read that correctly. So basically, Charlie is ripping off T because he is too stupid to know the difference and T is in turn ripping off another stupid person. It's a vicious cycle.....and I happen to be caught up in the middle.
Here is my other major issue with Charlie as it relates to neighborhood activities. Charlie is never home.....he travels almost weekly. So what does he do? He tells T, the drunk, pot-smoking, lunatic that he will be gone for however many days and to keep an eye on me and "the place". And then he pays him $20. Yes, my husband loves me soooooooo much that he not only tells the drug-abusing, ex-convict, woman-beating, alcoholic, metal-plate-in-the-head loser that he is going to be out of town.....he pays him to be my guardian.....and my safety and well-being are worth the grand total of $20. And when I happened to walk outside this week to retrieve some item from my car, T turned off the lawnmower to ask me how my knee was feeling. So now not only does T know I'm home alone.....he also knows that my knee is shot and I can't run from him should he try to murder me. Thanks, Charlie. I feel so safe. And so loved.
To further emphasize my point of feeling secure.......about a month ago, I had to knock on T's door one morning. Trust me, it was an emergency or I would never be dumb enough to approach him. His massive dog had broken his chain and was in my yard wrapped around a tree. T opens the door with two black eyes, at least two teeth missing, and the most hideous cuts and scrapes on his face I've ever seen.......accompanied by dried blood.....and of course, the stench of alcohol on his breath. He tells me that his dog is loose because he had been walking him the night before and the dog took off running with him and the injuries to his face were "road burn" from being dragged by the dog. Hmmmmm.......I found this to be curious because why on earth would you continue to hold the leash? But with no time to question it and little to no patience with the whole situation, I ignored it all and jumped in my car and headed to work. Thanks to my only sane neighbor, who happens to have been my friend since childhood, I found out that it was an amateur UFC fight gone bad. With Teen Dad. Right across the road from me. At night. While I'm home all alone. Hooray for feeling safe in your home.
Thanks to my neighbor/friend, I also found out that the reason the meth-head neighbor is no longer living across from me......that house is now being occupied by Teen Mom and Teen Dad.....is because the meth-head and T stole another neighbors truck. Apparently they needed to steal a truck in order to go buy alcohol....though I know for a fact that T's license is suspended indefinitely and I'm close to positive the meth-head's is also. Of course, I'm sure if you are going to steal a vehicle, you really don't care whether or not you have a valid driver's licence.....me and thinking....the curse of having a brain. When they were through with their beer run, they were going to set the truck on fire....but T was the voice of reason (imagine that) and talked the meth-head out of it. The cops found the truck a day later ditched in the parking lot of an old country church. At a church? Seriously? What would Jesus do, right?
Now on to Teen Mom and Teen Dad. I don't know them.....but I don't like them. For starters, I take issue with anyone using rebel flags as curtains. At night when their lights are on, it's a spectacular display of "the south will rise again" and everything else redneck and white trash related. And to top it all off, they now have a car in the front yard with two wheels on blocks (you might be a redneck if). And their children have become even dirtier and have surpassed anything normal soap and water are capable of handling. I have died and gone to heaven.
The fire department continues to annoy me at every turn. A peaceful evening a couple of weeks ago turned into chaos when the Life-Flight helicopter landed in the field right beside my house. I don't know who was injured. It's none of my business. Probably someone in my neighborhood had a meth lab blow up or was stabbed by a fellow drug dealer. I don't know. All I do know is that watching the worthless, non-life-saving fire department volunteer's TRY to take action was quite comical. And annoying. And furthered my dislike of the whole gang.
Now to my biggest gripe.......and I already know that this is going to sound ugly. The church. Yep, the church has made me as angry as I've ever been in this neighborhood. Apparently they decided they needed a new, bigger, fancier church. Why, I'm not sure considering the church they had seemed to be perfect size for the number of people in attendance. Everyday I come home to a building that gets larger and larger and uglier and uglier. This church is freaking huge. And practically sits right on the road. I round the curve my house sits in and and all I see is big ugly church. I can see the church over the roof of my own house....and I have a big, tall roof. It obstructs my view. The building is a gigantic ominous presence. I wish I could blow it up. No, I'm not the Antichrist. But I'm not real sure why people keep feeling the need to build new churches when there are churches everywhere that are either A) abandoned and are in perfectly good shape or B) currently have a congregation of 9 people. The opinion of this smarty pants? If you have so much money coming in that you can build a church clearly larger than what you need, how about doing something a little more charitable than tooting your own horn with a massive building.....because really, no one cares about your building. But hey, that's just my opinion. However, the next time they decide to have a Sunday afternoon song fest in the front yard of the church on a giant stage with a massive sound system and group that sings southern gospel through their nose and the oh-so-important-to-all-homemade-christian-bands man singing bass.....we are going to have a major problem.
Now to the matter at hand......
So what happened tonight to make me fuss once again about my neighbors? Well.....as sunset was approaching, I wandered through my house to go set my alarm for the night.....and out of my kitchen window (the only window in the house with NO blinds) I notice T along with a strange black man I don't recognize, a bearded white man I don't recognize, a skanky crack-whorish girl, and 2 raggedy ass little kids standing right smack in the middle of MY backyard having a conversation. I watched them carry on a conversation. I watched the dirty, funky, monsterish little kids throw some of MY landscaping gravel onto MY backporch. And then they all walked through the yard and back across the street. WHAT ON EARTH?!?! And when I called Charlie to complain about this injustice and invasion of my territory, his response was, "It was just T....checking on things".
So ladies and gentlemen, as I conclude this rambling while listening to T blare his music....while inside my house.....over the sound of 2 TV's.....I'd just like you to know that should I be murdered tonight in my sleep despite having a state of the art security system, please be on the lookout for T, a strange black man, a strange white man with a ratty beard, a dirty crack whore, and 2 grubby little kids. And while you are looking for those people, please have my husband arrested and charged with stupidity. :)
1 comment:
Just laughed until I cried!
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