A few weeks ago in class, I was on a mat behind an African American gentleman. An older man. So you would think he would have known better than to wear skin tight bicycle shorts.....especially considering that he may be featured in the Guinness Book of World Records for biggest penis. I am not joking. I will refer to it simply as "the anaconda" for the remainder of this post. This thing was scary big. I didn't want to stare, trust me....but I couldn't look away. And doing the downward facing dog pose? Yeah, I was face to face with the anaconda. It appeared to be coming for me. I thought it may strangle me...like a python. You know how they choke their prey? That's what I envisioned happening to me. It's a scary situation when your bicycle shorts come down to your knees.....and so does the monster that they are trying to conceal. I watched him adjust the anaconda several times.....all I could do was watch in horror and cringe. So here is a little shout out to all you men.....bigger is not always better. In fact, bigger is downright frightening. No girl alive wants to be essentially harpooned by one of those things. If it could potentially rupture our spleens, then it's a no go.
Tonight at class, I was even more horrified by a young lady with blonde, pink, and purple hair. She was wearing some kind-of panties, boy shorts, something, I don't know. But they were underwear....meaning they go UNDER your clothes. It is HOT in hot yoga...and you may want to shed your clothes...but you have to wear clothes that cover you up. Otherwise, you can't even grip your ankle for all the sweat....thus the need for pants. Sooo, I'm sitting on my mat between two friends, one of whom is telling me to keep my mouth shut during class so as not to distract her as usual.....when all of the sudden she points out the girl in the FRONT row wearing panties. Of course, I get tickled and am basically doubled over laughing and gasping in shock at the same time. I tell my friends that I might as well leave because my focus is gone. Guess what happens next? Underwear girl and her little friend move to the row in front of me and she takes the mat right directly in front of me! What are the chances?! That kind-of ridiculousness only happens to me! And you know what? I saw it ALL. Every time she folded over and touched her hands to the mat, every time she squatted, every time she raised one leg in the air. And when we were on our stomachs? Yep, she had her legs spread wide and I got the whole crotch shot. I saw every single part of this chicks anatomy....all of it. I'm pretty sure I saw things that her gynecologist may not even be familiar with. And even though it wasn't as hot as normal in class tonight, I somehow felt dirtier when I left.
The moral of this blog post? Please cover it up. Don't merely try to disguise it a little. COVER IT UP. All of it. I thank you. The world thanks you.
Stay classy!!
