What's In A Purse...............

“I'm thinking balls are to men what purses are to women. It's just a little bag, but we feel naked in public without it. [Carrie]” 

~ Sex And The City

Women love purses.  I don't even carry a purse all the time and I love them.  I am pretty sure I was born carrying one.  I'm also pretty sure I was born wearing a crown of pink jewels and a pink cape with "princess" spelled out in diamonds.....but I have yet to find the pictures to prove this and I seem to be having some degree of difficulty convincing the rest of the world of the royalty that is my birthright (as evidenced by the fact that I am still having to pump my own gas).    ;)

Nothing is more horrifying to this girl than a really ugly purse.  Even if I am not carrying one, yours should still be decent.  Hey, it doesn't have to cost $1,000......it doesn't have to cost even $20.......but please avoid fakes.  And if you are caught carrying something denim or camouflage (lets be realistic, this is Kentucky), you are dead to me. 

I found this pic online.  And anyone that knows me well can tell you this is soooooo me!  

Back on track.......
This morning as I was chauffeuring the dogs to daycare, Lily managed to puke in my purse.  My expensive purse.  My purse was in the floorboard....she got choked....and apparently it isn’t becoming of a lady to puke in her seat, so she leaned over and puked in the floorboard…into my purse.  Hooray.  This ordeal and the chaotic chain of events that followed reminded me of another story.  A story that I probably shouldn’t tell.  But, seeing as how I have no shame, I’m going to tell it anyway. :)

I left work one night (after a particularly horrifying 12 hours), crying like a fool, and drove myself to Sonic because I desperately needed Diet Coke and to just sit in my car and collect my thoughts.  I push the little red button and order my Diet Coke.  And when I reach my hand in my purse to retrieve my money, I immediately encounter some sort of goo.  Something thick and goopy had emptied itself out inside of my new expensive purse.  I freak out....because no girl wants to ruin a purse....especially one with a price tag that would make her husband faint.  I assume I have had a lotion spill that is the equivalent of the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico....or so it seems in my slightly dramatic mind. Of course, I have no paper towels or anything that could be used to clean up such a disaster.  Without even looking inside my purse, I begin scooping up the goop with my hands and rubbing it into my arms, rubbing it over my chest and neck and into my hands.  I notice a strange medicinal smell....but just assume that smell was on my clothing from the hospital.  A young girl brings me my Diet Coke, I hand her some money and apologize for the fact that it has lotion on it, she walks away, and I take the wrapper off my straw and stick it in my drink.  Driving down the road, I take a big drink....and a few seconds later my tongue goes numb, my gums go numb, my teeth feel “odd"....then I notice that my arms have gone tingly and so has my neck and chest and hands and face.  I pull my car over into a parking lot, convinced I am having a massive stroke (drama, remember). I dig through my purse for my cell phone, which is also covered in a white film....and that's when I notice a tiny white cap.  Hmmmm....not a lotion bottle top.  Upon further investigation into the contents of my purse, I find a tube of Vagisil....with the cap off and completely empty.  Soooooo....I had rubbed a huge quantity of Vagisil all over myself, assuming it was lotion, of course.  And apparently handling my straw had caused it to become coated in the “poison”....thus the reason for the numb mouth. Let me state, for the record, that I don’t make it a habit to carry around Vagisil....but yeast infections happen....and thanks to a hefty dose of antibiotics, I had gotten one about a month or so prior. It happens....I will not be shamed by this fact. I am, however, shamed by the fact that I just assumed a substance was lotion and proceeded to smear it all over my body.  After a long shower and about two hours, the "numbness" wore off and I was as good as new.  But it was a most unpleasant couple of hours.  Benzocaine - not for human consumption. 

While I have been typing this, I decided to go and get my purse and dump it out....just to see the contents.  The purse is not that big......but I noticed it was incredibly heavy.  Here is a list of what I found.........2 packs of gum, 2 packs of mints, an iPod, and iPad, a Tervis tumbler, 11 tubes of lipstick, a butterfly hair clip, an eyelash curler, mascara, powder, a powder brush, xanax, my billfold, debit cards and credit cards and my license (not in my billfold), ibuprofen, a check book, 3 mirrors, sterling silver Hello Kitty nail clippers (yep, that's right....beeeeeee jealous), $4.24 in loose change, hand lotion, 3 hand sanitizers, a scarf, a bracelet, 4 appointment reminder cards, a syringe of saline, 19 receipts, 2 bobby pins, sunscreen AND............drum roll.........Vagisil.  Damn you antibiotics.  Some fools never learn.