Charlie and I live like we reside in a frat house most of the time. We make no secret of this. It's not uncommon for him to be wearing his t-shirt that says "sorry ladies, I'm taken" while singing Mmm Bop and attempting to Swiffer the floor while I eat salsa with a fork as I sit on the couch and drool over Anderson Cooper. And believe it or not, we actually have a housekeeper that I think may enjoy working for us.....either that, or she is just overly nice. What a saint. A lovely woman. God bless her.
Anyway, Charlie spent last week in Chicago....so I knew he was eating at fancy establishments. Me? I was eating Wheat Thins. Soooo.....a trip to Wal-Mart was clearly in order.
First let me say, Wal-Mart is overwhelming to those of us who aren't the domestic type. And is it just me, or do they continually move things? It seems like every time I go to look for something that I have purchased a million times, they have moved it clear across the store. Unacceptable!
I roamed the aisles of Wal-Mart for what seemed like two hours....though I'm sure it was only maybe 30 minutes. And by the time I got to the check out line...which was 90 people deep....I had a headache and I felt nauseous. I don't know what was wrong with me. I'm thinking it may have been just your run-of-the-mill case of Wal-Mart stupidpeopleitis. I'm in line thinking "please God let this line move quickly before I pass out in this floor". Well, well, well.....wouldn't you know it....I get behind the coupon queen extraordinaire!
Ok....before I get attacked by couponers, let met just say that this is my blog. It's my universe and I am queen here. So this is just my opinion. I'm not going to argue the benefits of couponing with anyone. Nor will I even entertain the idea of a debate. My blog....my world, remember? If you don't like it, don't read it. ;)
My problem with Miss-Well-Dressed-Prissy-Acting-Coupon-Queen-Extraordinaire was only made worse by the 21-year-old man-child cashier who was wearing more mascara than me and who wasted loads of time complimenting coupon lady on each and every one of her accessories. This angered me for two reasons....1) Hurry up, moron! I am waiting and I don't feel good!.....and 2) My accessories were CLEARLY better. Mister Mascara takes his time swiping the coupons.....and ever so often he feels the need to sing-song the products he is swiping the coupon for. At this point, I have started to see small flashes of light that may have been stars and I have beads of sweat running down my face. I'm now thinking I have contracted shopping cart handle-induced gastroenteritis. About the time that I diagnosed myself with a most unpleasant shopping cart handle disease, most probably caused by some child who is the equivalent of a human petri dish, IT happens. Mister Mascara drops one of the coupons and it goes down in between the bag carousel. Now, the sane people in the world would say, "Oh, don't worry about it honey...I already have $300 worth of merchandise in this cart and that 55 cent coupon isn't going to make a difference". You might think Miss Accessory Coupon Queen Extraordinaire would be so polite, right? Well...you would be wrong. The Queen demands that her 55 cent coupon be retrieved because "it is 55 cents....and in this economy 55 cents makes a big difference". Mister Mascara calls over a supervisor and they begin to tear the bag carousel apart. I've already unloaded my cart and definitely don't have the energy to load it all back up and wait in another line. At the risk of contracting necrotizing fasciitis (flesh eating bacteria) on my forehead, I just bend over and rest my forehead on the shopping cart handle. I'm thinking maybe Mister Mascara, Miss Coupon Queen, and Miss Customer Service Manager may see that I'm in imminent danger of dying in the check out line of aisle 7 as evidenced by the pool of sweat surrounding me and either speed things up or maybe, just maybe the lady would say "it's ok, just forget it. No. Such. Luck. I started to offer her two quarters and a nickel. I started to offer her a $20 bill. I started to offer her my MUCH cuter accessories. Hell, I started to offer her my uterus. But this lady was determined to save her 55 cents. Fifteen minutes, half of my body fluids lost through sweat, and a mini-stroke later, the coupon was retrieved and Miss Smiley Coupon Bitch went on her way. And then Mister Mascara tried to make pleasant conversation with me. You may think I was rude to him.....but you would be wrong again. I was blunt but polite. And I went on my way. But not before telling Mister Mascara that Miss Coupon Cougar's accessories were cheap and gaudy.
And of course I made a few other observations before I left the store......
1). You are a 30+ year old woman and you are wearing Elmo pajama pants. Hey, I'm not judging you. I, myself, have some Hello Kitty pajama pants. But the difference between me and you? I don't wear them in public. You are not cute. You look like a sesame street train wreck. Rethink it.
2). Your kid is gnawing on the handle of the shopping cart. Do you not notice this? You know that he is going to get sick and possibly die, right? And if that happens, your monthly government benefits will take a serious hit. Don't you get more free stuff the more you kids you have. Think about it. Just saying.
3). House shoes in Wal-Mart. Why? Just why? It's gross. And I hope to God you don't wear those all through your house when you get home.
4). You and your family and a dozen friends are having a reunion in the already too small aisle. I can't get around you and you aren't willing to move. What makes you think this is ok? I believe it should be store policy that I get to run you down with my cart AND step on you. I'm a busy girl. I don't have time for you.
5). You are actually eating the produce that you just placed in your cart. Really....am I seeing this right? Grapes, bananas, apples, etc. First of all, you are stealing. And second, you are going to get salmonella or something equally grotesque because you are supposed to wash things like that before eating them. And you know what? It serves you right.
6). Your kid is getting a new bicycle or something equally annoying. He is excited. I get it. I do. But it is not okay for your child to ride it through the busy store. Look, if he runs into me, I may "accidentally" kick him. I can't say for sure. It's all going to depend on the mood.
7). Cell phones. Indoor voice people. I don't care to hear who did or didn't get their child support check and who is running low on food stamps. I just don't care. And the blue tooth in your ear? Well, that just makes you look stupid. And it's an advertisement that you have ZERO class. Is that what you want to advertise? If so, you are doing a good job of it Hopkinsville.
7). Circling and circling the parking lot for a closer parking space.....and then holding up a dozen cars while you wait for me to begin unloading my cart just so you can have my spot. I'm not giving you my spot for your rudeness. Period. I will take every item out of the bags and place them in my car one by one. And then I will sit in my car and talk on the phone and file my fingernails until your lazy ass goes away and the person that was forced to wait behind you can have my spot. You. Are. Lazy. And it disgusts me.
I know, I know....most of you think I'm a crazy-know-it-all-spoiled-witch. And some of that may be true. But I consider myself very observant....and I am not one who can just let things go. Sooo.....until next time, try to keep shopping cart handles out of your mouth, blue tooth devices out of your ear, and save your coupons for Walgreens so I never have to deal with you in Wal-Mart again.
Much Love!
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