I spent a lot of the summer high on Percocet, watching dust particles dance in sunbeams, crying, sweating Chanel No.5 (just kidding...I sweat something more along the lines of Bvlgari), throwing-up, and hallucinating things like Gilligan lying in my floor dead with half his face eaten off (true story...hallucinations from infection and pain ravaging your body are real). I didn't watch TV. I didn't read. I literally sat and stared at the wall all day everyday...and most nights too. Now I am on to figuring out how to do life while not really being able to walk. It's frustrating. It's tricky. It's painful. It's depressing. And let's be real, it's sometimes kind-of funny.
Let me tell you, it's really hard to be a crippled princess. There's nothing like not being able to put your pants on by yourself to strip you of your tiara. At least now I can dress myself...and I can put my shoes and socks on all by myself again, thank you very much. Silver linings. I have learned the hard way that I can no longer wait until the last second to go pee...because I can't get anywhere fast. If I have to pee really bad, I'm gonna pee my pants because it is gonna take me five minutes to get to the bathroom. Peeing your pants at 39 years old...#adulting #winning. At least I'm learning from my mistakes. I have had to accept the fact that I can only take a shower sitting down (shower seats and shower head attachments, baby). I have also learned to operate the scooters in the grocery store like a champ. At first, I refused to use them. But...sometimes you just have to go to the store yourself. And lord knows I can't walk around a store. So, I'm sure people see me and think "look at the fat, lazy girl with flawless make-up on the scooter". Which is payback for all the times I've thought that about other people (except for the flawless make-up part). Karma. The first time I drove one, I crashed into the aisle containing pads and tampons and caused an avalanche. For my next trick, I will need an assistant.
The last four months have been an eye-opening lesson in family and friendship. When something bad happens to you, you find out pretty quickly who is gonna be there and who is MIA. A lot of people I would have sworn would have been there were nowhere to be found and a lot of people I didn't expect to be there stepped up and helped me and prayed for me and sent me encouragement when I needed it most. When you are stuck in the darkest of pits, someone sending you a nice message or surprising you with a visit can mean the whole world to you. So for all of you who prayed for me and thought of me and did countless other kind things for me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. For everyone else...Bye, Felecia. Just kidding! Really, I am totally kidding.
I've learned just how strong I am this summer. I have done things that I didn't think in a million years I'd be able to do...like packing and unpacking the giant hole in my knee daily and administering IV antibiotics to myself for six weeks and taking care of my port myself. I'm not squeamish about things with other people...but when it comes to doing things to yourself it's a whole different ballgame. I'm terrified of needles but I've managed to have blood work 3,483 times (maybe a little less) without passing out. Oh, and I survived having the port ripped out of my chest. That was just an insane amount of fun.
So I had a routine knee replacement that left me with a violent infection which in turn caused me to have another surgery which left me crippled. And you know what? While it has been the most horrific experience of my life, it has also been good for me. Because I have learned what is important in life and what is not worth dwelling on or giving a second thought. Which is totally a lesson I needed to learn. Things I used to get upset about just don't matter to me anymore. The only things that truly matter in this life are God and your relationships with the people you love. Everything else is just background noise. I truly, sincerely am thankful to this experience for teaching me that and for putting my priorities in check. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to learn a lesson.
I have no idea what the future holds for me, though I am almost positive it will involve more surgery at some point. I try not to think about it because it is scary and it makes me feel instantly nauseous. I am 39 and I could be this way for life. It's scary. Plus, I've been told no surgeon will touch me again any time in the near future. I have insane medical bills. And I can't have surgery for at least another year because I used all of my FMLA for this year. Oh and my physical therapy stopped a month ago when insurance deemed it no loner medically necessary. Because, you know, not being able to walk isn't a medical problem worthy of treating. Insurance sucks. Jobs suck. Yet, I am grateful I have both. But seriously, can I get some Obamacare? I don't know that I will ever walk normally again. I don't know if I will ever see a day where I won't need a cane. At least I can be thankful that I no longer have a walker. That stripped me of all my pride. Plus, CC would constantly sing "They see me rollin / They hatin" when I was puttering around with my walker. Good times. And a cane? Well, I have figured out that a cane is good for lots of things...a microphone, a weapon, reaching things, etc. And I am not above hooking it around someones neck...like, say, my doctor. As a bonus, my cane is stylish...no plain black or sliver for this princess. But the pimp jokes? They are getting old. :)
Now I'm off to strap my leg to the extension board (which, by the way, is another necessity insurance refuses to pay for...bastards) and weight it down with some super heavy weights. And pop my never ending supply of antibiotics. I should develop some fabulous superpowers any day now from taking antibiotics for 18 weeks. At this point, I could probably survive a nuclear disaster! But seriously, maybe my super power will be skin that never ages...
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