My Handicapped Life....

So, it has been a little over four months since the terrorist attack on my knee.  I am quite depressed and I fight those feelings every single day.  But I also try to laugh off a lot of it.  Because if I didn't, I would lose my mind.  I would sit and cry all the time.  And since I spent about six weeks straight crying earlier in the summer, I have tried to move on to making jokes at my own expense when I can just to lighten my own mood. 

 I spent a lot of the summer high on Percocet, watching dust particles dance in sunbeams, crying, sweating Chanel No.5 (just kidding...actually I sweat something more along the lines of Bvlgari...), throwing-up, and hallucinating things like Gilligan lying in my floor dead with half his face eaten off (true story...hallucinations from infection and pain ravaging your body are real). Now I am on to figuring out how to do life while not really being able to walk.  It's frustrating. It's depressing.  It's painful.  It's tricky. 

Let me tell you, it's really hard to be a crippled princess.  There's nothing like not being able to put your pants on by yourself to strip you of your tiara.  At least now I can dress myself...and I can put my shoes and socks on all by myself again, thank you very much.  Silver linings.  I have learned the hard way that I can no longer wait until the last second to go pee...because I can't get anywhere fast.  If I have to pee really bad, I'm gonna pee my pants because it is gonna take me five minutes to get to the bathroom.  Peeing your pants as a 39 year old...#adulting #winning.  I'm learning from my mistakes.  I have had to accept the fact that I can only take a shower sitting down (shower seats and shower head attachments, baby).  I have also learned to operate the scooters in the grocery store like a champ.  At first, I refused to use them.  But...sometimes you just have to do your own shopping.  And lord knows I can't walk around a store.  So, I'm sure people look at me and think "look at the fat, lazy girl on the scooter".  Which is payback for all the times I've thought that about other people.  Karma.  The first time I drove one, I crashed into the aisle containing pads and tampons and caused an avalanche.  For my next trick, I will need an assistant.

I have also had an eye-opening lesson in family and friendship.  When something bad happens to you, you find out pretty quickly who is gonna be there and who is MIA.  People you assume will be there are not and people you didn't realize would be there show up in a big way.  When you are stuck in the darkest of pits, someone sending you a nice message or surprising you with a visit can mean the whole world to you in that moment.  So for all of you who prayed for me and thought of me and did countless other kind things for me, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  For everyone else...Bye, Felecia.  Just kidding!  Really, I am totally kidding.  I have also learned what is important in life and what is not worth dwelling on or giving a second thought.  Things I used to get upset about just don't matter to me anymore.  The only things that truly matter in this life are God and your relationships with the people you love.  Everything else is just background noise. 

I have no idea what the future holds for me, though I am almost positive it will involve more surgery  at some point.  I try not to think about it because it is scary and it makes me feel instantly nauseous.  I am 39 and I could be this way for life.  It's scary.  Plus, I've been told no surgeon will touch me again any time in the near future.  I have insane medical bills.  And I can't have surgery for at least another year anyway because I have exhausted all of my FMLA for this year.  Oh and my physical therapy stopped a month ago when insurance deemed it no longer medically necessary.  Because, you know, not being able to walk isn't a medical problem worthy of treating.  Insurance sucks.  Jobs suck.  Yet, I am grateful I have both.  But seriously, can I get some Obamacare?  I don't know that I will ever walk normally again.  I don't know if I will ever see a day where I won't need a cane.  At least I can be thankful that I no longer have a walker.  That stripped me of all my pride.  Plus, CC would constantly sing "They see me rollin / They hatin" when I was puttering around with my walker.  Good times.  And a cane?  Well, I have figured out that a cane is good for lots of things...a microphone, a weapon, reaching things, etc.  And I am not above hooking it around someones neck...like, say, my doctor.   As a bonus, my cane is stylish...no plain black or sliver for this princess.